My dad used to tell me that once upon a time, a chicken shat me out on a fence post and that the sun hatched me from there. For years, I believed that was my humble, yet incredibly disgusting, beginning. By the time I was in my 30's, I realized how ridiculous that was. I eventually learned that early in my life, my dad married a wicked woman who raised me, along with her two natural-born daughters. Her biological girls were treated like royalty, while I was relegated to the basement to complete household chores. Long story short, a couple of mice made me a dress and I went to a party where I lost my shoes and ended up homeless, and covered in pumpkin-innards. True story.
It was during these trials and tribulations that I turned to smartassery. It saved my life. Now, I shall share it with you, (whether you like it or not).