"Happy Valentine's Day
From your cat and your blowup doll"

Valentine's Day  

Festivus

"Happy Father's Day... from one of  your legitimate children."

Father's Day

"Happy VD!
And I don't mean Valentine's Day!"

"Happy Festivus
Wanna check out my pole?"

"Happy Festivus
You're at the top of my list of grievances.  Seriously.  Numero uno."

Mother's Day

"Hey, Step-dad...
We may not be biologically related, but that shouldn't prevent me from cashing in someday (nudge nudge, wink wink)."

"You get to celebrate Mother's Day because I was born... So really, YOU should be giving ME a gift. Cough it up."

You're the perfect stepmother...And it's not just because you're kind of a bitch..."

Happy New Year

"What are you doing for Valentine's Day?
I mean, besides your blowup doll..."

"I hope you get lucky on Valentine's Day
And by lucky, I mean I hope the delivery guy brings extra plum sauce for your 'Dinner for One'!"

"To my spinster friend on Valentine's Day...

HA! HA!
(But seriously, by this point, 400 years ago, you would've been hanged for witchcraft, so calm the hell down.)"

"Ho! Ho! Ho!
I know you are, but what am I?"

"Merry Christmas but just remember... There is no 'mistletoe defence' for sexual assault

Easter

Krampus Night

"Happy Mother's Day
Here's to one more year of me not putting you in a home!"

"Happy Easter
Here's hoping Good Friday is better for you than it was for Jesus."

"This Passover, let's hope God slaughters your neighbours' children instead of yours."

"Forever...alone."

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart... It better not be in a jar in your fridge."

"Happy Father's Day
Congratulations!  You ARE the father!
(Supposedly)

HOLIDAY JERK CARDS  

""Krampusnacht:  The night the bad kids get stolen by a demon and thrashed with branches.  
Oh, how I've longed for a legit reason to beat your ass with a stick... Thanks, History Channel."

Christmas

New Year's, Valentine's Day, Easter, Passover, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, Krampus Night, & Festivus cards!

"Hey, check out my balls...
Oh, grow up.  Happy Holidays."

"Happy New Year
Any chance you could possibly try to get your shit together this year?  Seriously.  Enough is enough."

"Season's Beatings
Warmest thoughts and best wishes for a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year. (Blah blah blah, and all that crap.)"

"Love is in the air... So are a bunch of viruses."

$6.00 each (CAD + tax & shipping)

Passover

"Merry and bright
Unlike yourself.  Happy holidays anyway."

"He sees you when you're sleeping...
Hey, at least someone is interested..."

"I love you so much...
...I've decided NOT to smother you with a pillow while you sleep.
For Now.
Happy Valentine's Day."

"Merry whatever
Celebrate whatever you want.  Or don't celebrate anything at all.  I don't even care anymore."