"I love you so much...
...I've decided NOT to smother you with a pillow while you sleep.
Happy Valentine's Day."
"Happy Valentine's Day
From your cat and your blowup doll"
Happy New Year
"Merry and Bright"
"I hope you get lucky on Valentine's Day
And by lucky, I mean I hope the delivery guy brings extra plum sauce for your 'Dinner for One'!"
"To my spinster friend on Valentine's Day...
(But seriously, by this point, 400 years ago, you would've been hanged for witchcraft, so calm the hell down.)"
"Ho! Ho! Ho!
I know you are, but what am I?"
"Happy Mother's Day
Here's to one more year of me not putting you in a home!"
Here's hoping Good Friday is better for you than it was for Jesus."
"Happy Father's Day
Congratulations! You ARE the father!
HOLIDAY JERK CARDS
New Year's, Valentine's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas & Festivus cards!
"Hey, check out my balls...
Oh, grow up. Happy Holidays."
"Happy New Year
Any chance you could possibly try to get your shit together this year? Seriously. Enough is enough."
Warmest thoughts and best wishes for a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year. (Blah blah blah, and all that crap.)"
"Merry and bright
Unlike yourself. Happy holidays anyway."
And I don't mean Valentine's Day!"
You're at the top of my list of grievances. Seriously. Numero uno."
Wanna check out my pole?"
Celebrate whatever you want. Or don't celebrate anything at all. I don't even care anymore."