Happy holidays anyway."
"Hey, check out my balls"
"I know you are,
but what am I?"
"Oh, grow up.
"Wait until you see my list of grievances! (Do you want them alphabetically, chronologically, or in order of importance?)"
"Merry and Bright"
"Happy New Year 2017"
"Merry Whatever -That should just about cover everything"
"Any chance you could possibly try to get your shit together this year?"
"Ho! Ho! Ho!"
"Celebrate whatever you want. Or don't celebrate anything at all. I don't even care anymore"
HOLIDAY JERK CARDS
"Wishing You Season's Beatings"
"Warmest thoughts and best wishes for a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New Year. (Blah blah blah, and all that crap)"
"Late one night at half-past two
I heard a rustling noise
Silly me, I never knew
Santa was bringing toys!
I ran downstairs and got my gun
But tripped over the tree
I put a bullet in his head,
Now all the kids hate me!
The funeral was very nice;
They spoke fine things of him,
I showed up to pay my respects,
But they would not let me in.
The kids throw stones, they egg my house
And think it's really funny
But come April I have the last laugh
when I kill their Easter Bunny"
"Just spreading some holiday cheer. Goddammit, where the hell is the eggnog?"