"It's your wedding shower!  

Here is one of many gifts that I'm apparently required to give you."

"Thank You.

Here is the obligatory thank-you card that I'm supposed to send, in response to the obligatory gift  that I recently received from you."

"Happy Anniversary!  

You two crazy kids stuck it out another year!  Also, I lost a $50 bet."   


"You got your first period!

And you'd better keep getting it! (Shaking fist)"

New Baby

"You're 50!

I'd say 'happy birthday', but statistically speaking, you're a lot closer to your 'death day'."

Thank You

"How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche?  I figured you'd know."

"Happy Retirement!  

At least you didn't die first!"


"80  Happy (potentially final) birthday!

"You're turning 60?

For real? I totally thought you did that, like, 10 years ago... My bad."

"I'm Really Sorry.  

I take it back.  Unfuck you."


Get Well Soon

Thinking of You


Cheer Up

"You're turning 30!

Could you please act like it for Christ's sake?"

"You Graduated!

And this whole time we thought you were an idiot."

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

It's your birthday...

...and poems are stupid."

"You're finally 18!

Now you can (and eventually will) be tried as an adult!"

"I know it's your birthday... but I'm still not going to spank you, so stop asking, damnit."

Mother's Day

"I believe in you!

But I also believe in the Sasquatch, so..."

"You can do it!  Or maybe you can't.  What the hell do I know?"

"Happy Anniversary, Love!

We made it another year without being featured on 'Dateline NBC'!"


"Guess What!  You're the least assholic of all my friends.  Get your shit together."

"Watch for Children!  

Shitty trade.  I would've kept the watch, but hey, it's your life.  Congrats on the new baby"

"65   Bright side:  maybe now you can get a senior's discount on cremation services!"

"Thinking of You ...which is amazing because I'm usually thinking about myself."

"You're Being Showered!

Which is apparently a metaphor or something.  I'm bummed because I thought we were actually going to hose you down."

"Yay!  A New Home!  

Now you get to be 'that weird neighbour' on an entirely new street! (It's always good to diversify your portfolio)"

"You're turning 70!

I wouldn't make too many long-range plans, if you catch my drift..."


"Another Birthday...and yet you continue to behave like a petulant child."

"You're 25!

Experts say that your brain should be fully developed at this point.  You may want to look into that."

Encouragement (Discouragement?)

"You're 75!

Your age finally matches your I.Q."

"It's Your Baby Shower!  

Don't let this kid become an entitled punk. (Seriously, nobody likes a spoiled brat.  I'm just saying...)"


"You're Getting Married Again!  

How many more of these things are we going to have to sit through?"


Father's Day


"For My Favourite Cat Lady!  Congratulations!  Your house only smells like piss when it's hot outside.  P.S.Get an air-conditioner"

"You're Getting Married!  I can't make it to your wedding, but don't worry, I'll catch the next one!"


No, really... I'm serious.  Get the hell out of here."

Shower (general)

"You Got Engaged!  

On Purpose? (Blink twice if you want me to create a diversion so you can climb out the window...)"

"Happy Father's Day! Congratulations!  You ARE the father! (Supposedly)"

Her First Period

"To my spinster friend on Valentine's Day... HA! HA! (But seriously, by this point, 400 years ago, you would've been hanged for witchcraft, so calm the hell down.)"

"Get Well Soon.

Please know that my Voodoo Doll has absolutely nothing to do with this.  Absolutely nothing."

"I hope you get lucky on Valentine's Day.  And by lucky, I mean I hope the delivery guy brings extra plum sauce for your 'Dinner for One'!"

"Cheer up... asshole."

"You turned 40!  

I guess you'd better get your will updated, eh?  Like, soon.  P.S. Can I have your stuff?"

Baby Shower

Blank Inside

"I love you so much... I've decided NOT to smother you with a pillow while you sleep.  For now.  Happy Valentine's Day."

"Happy Easter!

Here's hoping Good Friday is better for you than it was for Jesus."

Valentine's Day

"Happy Birthday!

I can't believe you're still alive!"


"Get Well Soon.  Is it syphilis? It's syphilis, isn't it?  Please don't touch me."

Recovery from Surgery

New Home


​"With Sympathy

I mean "happy birthday". (Though, at your age, I'd say the difference is negligible)"

"Sorry about your Menopause.  At least you're only dried up, withered, and old on the inside.  Well, so far..."

"You had a baby... for some reason."


You finally did something important!  Well, sort of..."

"Another year has gone by...

Happy Birthday to you!

On a related note, have you looked into pre-arranged funerals yet?  Just asking..."

Are you tired of those sappy, store-bought greeting cards?  Have you ever wanted to send someone a card that captures what you are REALLY thinking?  Annoyed with another wedding?  How many baby showers can one attend before wanting to poke one's own eyes out?  Do you want to tell someone exactly what you think, but can't find the right words?  Welcome to Jerk-Cards, my friends.  Now you can be an All-Occasion Asshole, for only $4.50 per card!  You're welcome.  Oh, and hey!  Don't see what you're looking for?  You're in luck -- we do custom jerkery as well!  Just drop us a line (submit form below) describing your needs, and together, we can take care of business in the most sarcastic of ways.

"So You Got Engaged!

Do you realize that you've just agreed to legally bind yourself to another human being for the rest of your natural life? (Or at least until the next one)  Well, okay then... Congrats."


"I missed your birthday... But just so you know, it's not always about you."


"Celebrate your birthday!  You probably don't have very many left.  What?  I'm just saying."


"Man up for your vasectomy ...while you still qualify as a man."

"Happy Valentine's Day.  From your cat, and your blowup doll"


Wedding Shower

"Happy Mother's Day!  Here's to one more year of me not putting you in a home!"

"Congratulations on your new home.  

Is it true that there were pentagrams found all over the attic?  (Well that's what I heard) PS. Say hi to the devil for me"

Age Birthday

" Thank You...for reminding me that I'm probably going to die, old, alone, and at least 30 lbs overweight.  Jerks.

P.S. Congrats on that whole wedding thing"

"Thanks.  I guess."


"You just had surgery!

I don't know what you had done, but my money is on a lobotomy..."

"Blank Inside (kind of like you)"