"Which is apparently a metaphor or something.  I'm bummed because I thought we were actually going to hose you down."


Wedding Shower

"Is it true that there were pentagrams found all over the attic?  (Well that's what I heard) PS. Say hi to the devil for me"

Age Birthday

"While you still qualify as a man."

"Happy Valentine's Day.  From your cat, and your blowup doll"

"Now you can (and eventually will) be tried as an adult!"

Mother's Day

"You had a baby... for some reason."



"I can't believe you're still alive!"

"How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche?  I figured you'd know."

"You finally did something important!  Well, sort of..."

"Happy Birthday to you!

On a related note, have you looked into pre-arranged funerals yet?  Just asking..."

Are you tired of those sappy, store-bought greeting cards?  Have you ever wanted to send someone a card that captures what you are REALLY thinking?  Annoyed with another wedding?  How many baby showers can one attend before wanting to poke one's own eyes out?  Do you want to tell someone exactly what you think, but can't find the right words?  Welcome to Jerk-Cards, my friends.  Now you can be an All-Occasion Asshole, for only $4.50 per card!  You're welcome.  Oh, and hey!  Don't see what you're looking for?  You're in luck -- we do custom jerkery as well!  Just drop us a line (submit form below) describing your needs, and together, we can take care of business in the most sarcastic of ways.

"Congratulations!  You ARE the father! (Supposedly)"


"Congratulations!  Your house only smells like piss when it's hot outside.  P.S.Get an air-conditioner"

"I can't make it to your wedding, but don't worry, I'll catch the next one!"

"Cheer up... asshole."

"You just had surgery! I don't know what you had done, but my money is on a lobotomy..."

"Blank Inside (kind of like you)"

Thinking of You

"I guess you'd better get your will updated, eh?  Like, soon.  P.S. Can I have your stuff?"

Baby Shower

"Don't let this kid become an entitled punk. (Seriously, nobody likes a spoiled brat.  I'm just saying...)"

"Please know that my Voodoo Doll has absolutely nothing to do with this.  Absolutely nothing."

Blank Inside



Recovery from Surgery


"I hope you get lucky on Valentine's Day.  And by lucky, I mean I hope the delivery guy brings extra plum sauce for your 'Dinner for One'!"

"We made it another year without being featured on 'Dateline NBC'!"


Her First Period


"...which is amazing because I'm usually thinking about myself."

"Now get lost!  No, really... I'm serious.  Get the hell out of here.  Go.  Like, NOW!"

"How many more of these things are we going to have to sit through?"

"Now you get to be 'that weird neighbour' on an entirely new street! (It's always good to diversify your portfolio)"

"Bright side:  maybe now you can get a senior's discount on cremation services!"

"You're the least assholic of all my friends.  Get your shit together."

"Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

It's your birthday...

...and poems are stupid."


"I'm so sorry.  I take it back.  Unfuck you."


"Here is one of many gifts that I'm apparently required to give you."

"Here is the obligatory thank-you card that I'm supposed to send, in response to the obligatory gift  that I recently received from you."

"You two crazy kids stuck it out another year!  Also, I lost a $50 bet."   


New Home


​"I mean "happy birthday". (Though, at your age, I'd say the difference is negligible)"

"At least you're only dried up, withered, and old on the inside.  Well, so far..."


"Here's hoping Good Friday is better for you than it was for Jesus."

Valentine's Day

Get Well Soon

"And you'd better keep getting it! (Shaking fist)"

New Baby

"I'd say 'happy birthday', but statistically speaking, you're a lot closer to your 'death day'."

Thank You

"Do you realize that you've just agreed to legally bind yourself to another human being for the rest of your natural life? (Or at least until the next one)  Well, okay then... Congrats."

"At least you didn't die first!"


"Your age finally matches your I.Q."

"Is it syphilis? It's syphilis, isn't it?  Please don't touch me."

Shower (general)

"On Purpose? (Blink twice if you want me to create a diversion so you can climb out the window...)"

"Shitty trade.  I would've kept the watch, but hey, it's your life.  Congrats on the new baby"

Cheer Up

"Could you please act like it for Christ's sake?"

"And this whole time we thought you were an idiot."

" ...for reminding me that I'm probably going to die, old, alone, and at least 30 lbs overweight.  Jerks.

P.S. Congrats on that whole wedding thing"

"Thanks.  I guess."

"Here's to one more year of me not putting you in a home!"


"You probably don't have very many left.  What?  I'm just saying."


Father's Day