"You got your first period!
And you'd better keep getting it! (Shaking fist)"
$6.00 each (CAD + tax & shipping)
Getting Married Again
"You Came Out!
"It's your wedding shower
Here is one of the many gifts that I am apparently required to give to you."
"So, you got engaged!
Do you realize that you've just agreed to legally bind yourself to another human being for the rest of your natural life? (Or at least until the next one comes along...) Well, okay then... Congrats."
"You're being showered!
Which is apparently a metaphor or something. I'm bummed because I thought we were actually going to hose you down."
At least you didn't die first!"
"Watch for Children
Shitty trade. I would've kept the watch, but hey, it's your life. Congrats on the new baby."
"Look to the future, Graduate!
"You're getting married again!
How many more of these things are we going to have to sit through?"
"A New Dog. At least now someone will be happy to see you."
"You got engaged!
On purpose? (Blink twice if you want me to create a diversion so you can climb out the window...)"
"Happy Anniversary, Love
We made it another year without having our relationship featured on 'Dateline NBC'!"
...for reminding me that I'm probably going to die, old, alone, and at least 30lbs overweight. Jerks.
P.S. Congrats on that whole wedding thing."
"You just had surgery!
I don't know what you had done, but my money is on a lobotomy..."
"You're getting married!
I can't make it to the wedding, but don't worry, I'll catch the next one!"
"Sorry about your menopause
At least you're only dried up, withered, and old on the inside. Well, so far..."
"Man up for your vasectomy
...while you still qualify as a man."
"You're having a baby... despite all the available options."
Her First Period!
Recovering from Surgery
"Yay! A new home!
Now you get to be 'that weird neighbour' on an entirely new street!
(It's always good to diversify your portfolio)"
You two crazy kids stuck it out another year!
Also, I lost a $50 bet."
"I'm so happy you got a dog! Because you would make a horrible parent."
"You had a baby ...for some reason."
"You got a new cat! You're teetering on the edge of a very slippery slope, friend."
Breakup/Divorce/Quitting Your Job
"Toodaloo to you... and your bullshit."
"You graduated! And this whole time we thought you were an idiot."
"Congratulations on your new home!
Is it true that there were pentagrams found all over the attic?
(Well that's what I heard)
P.S. Say hi to the devil for me"
JERK LIFE EVENT CARDS
You've reached these milestones. Whoopedee-doo.
"How much douche could a douchebag douche if a douchebag could douche douche?
I figured you'd know."
"It's your baby shower!
Don't let this kid become an entitled punk.
(Nobody likes a spoiled brat. I'm just saying...)"